Chapter 3: The Spirits of Danada

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“Pizzaville is looking kind of deserted,” said Toaster-Man, referring to the capital (and only) city I created. “Don’t forget to make people again.”

“I will,” I said. “I mean, I won’t. But I’ve been thinking. Don’t you think it would be a bit too strange to just create a bunch of fully-grown people with memories and knowledge? I mean, where did it all come from?”

“Not really,” said Toaster-Man. “Not any stranger than anything else here.”

<Yes, I always felt that was part of the required suspension of disbelief when you have a world spontaneously created by a god.>

“Well, anyway, I have a better idea,” I said. With that I waved my hand dramatically and a bunch of glowing white spheres appeared around me, each about the size of a nectarine. “Behold the future people of Danada!”

“You’re populating Danada with glowing spheres?” Toaster-Man dubiously asked.

“No, they are spirits,” I said.

“You mean sphere-its,” said Toaster-Man.

“I’ll give them bodies later.”

<He’s finally lost it,> said Pudding. <They don’t even have any thoughts.>

“Yeah, they’re just floating there” said Toaster-Man.

“That’s because they were just created. They are essentially blank slates. Tabula rasa, if you will. But their experiences here in heaven will determine their personalities down on Danada.”

“But they’re not doing anything!” said Toaster-Man. He pushed down on one of the spirits. After he let go, it bobbed back up to where it had been floating.

“Yeah, well they’re basically babies. But, with no physical needs or… hm, now that I think about it this may take a while.” I snapped my fingers. “There, they now have a working knowledge of the English language.” And with that a cacophony of existential questioning commenced.

...is sort of what it sounded like.

“I can’t answer all of your questions at once,” I said. “So please hold them until after I give this explanation. I am Daniel Turner; my friends call me Dan. I created you guys. I am the lord and omnipotent ruler, one might say god, of this world, which is known as Danada (well technically here is known as Pizza Paradise but I don’t really like that name (I’ve been meaning to get a new one (but that’s really neither here nor there (well actually it is here (Danada is there (Pizza Paradise is here (but as I said, I don’t like that name anymore (but what’s in a name, I guess (but then again, a name can signify a deeper meaning (or reflect upon the person who named it (which is why I find myself currently annoyed by this particular name (which is-

You, the reader, stop paying attention.

<Oh great,> said Pudding. <He’s stuck on ever-decreasing in relevance parenthetical asides again.>

Toaster-Man whacked me on the side of the head.

“-(but not- (ow!)))))))))))))). Anyway, as I was saying- umm… I forget what I was saying. Oh, right. So, I’m technically your god, but I don’t need you to worship me or praise me or anything. It’s cool. Well, a little praise would be nice; I did give you life. But then, if giving one life warranted worship, then everyone would have to worship their parents, and that’s just silly, so. In any case: you guys are spirits right now, but when you are ready you will each receive a body and become the first citizens of Danada!”

The response was another general cacophony, but I don’t feel like making another graphic right now.

“Hmm…” I said in an aside to Toaster-Man and Pudding. “I don’t think they’re going to stop asking questions anytime soon, and I really don’t feel like answering all of them.”

“Well you could just send them down to Danada still in their ignorant, questioning state.”

<That seems kind of cruel, though, don’t you think, Dan? I mean look at them. They’re just floating around aimlessly asking question after question,> said Pudding.

“Hehehe I know,” said Toaster-Man. “That’s why it’d be hilarious.”

“No, I have a better idea,” I said. I turned back to address the spirits. “I present each of you with a device that can answer all of your questions… a laptop with access to the internet!”

A computer appeared in front of each of the spirits. They floated in surprise and wonderment, turning different colours in what I could only assume were expressions of emotion.

“The homepage is Google, type anything you want in there and you’ll find the answers, probably. Or if not, at least something interesting. You’ll also find bookmarked Wikipedia, YouTube, and TV Tropes. Have fun! I’m gonna go do some other stuff now.”

“Wait,” said a spirit. “One question: this is really, really important.”

“Okay fine,” I said.

“How many of us are there?”

“There are thirty-four including you.”

“See I told you there weren’t 36,” the spirit said to another.

“Okay I’m leaving now” I started to leave Pizza Paradise.

“WAAIT!” came the shout of another spirit.

“What?” I asked, rematerializing.

“What’s the point of it all?”

“Well the point of life is debatable, but you pretty much just invent your own.”

“No, I mean, what’s the point of these computers and googling and stuff.”

“Well, I want you to learn.”

“But what should we learn?”

“I dunno. Anything; everything.”

“Okay. What’s the best thing to learn?”

“I can’t really say?”

“Then how do I know if I’m better than other people?”

I had another idea. “Alright, how’s about this for a purpose for you guys? I’m going to go away for a little bit. Well, a little bit for me, a long while for you (time flows differently here when I leave). When I come back, there will be a TRIVIA CHALLENGE!” Thunder and lightning appeared for dramatic effect. “Whoever wins the TRIVIA CHALLENGE! *Lightning* -okay that’ll get really old really fast. Whoever wins the challenge will have first pick of their body, second place will have second pick, and so on down by points.” I created thirty-four bodies on the central cloud with the rock where everyone was standing. The bodies were diverse in genetics, but mostly at least fairly attractive, depending on one’s taste of course. They were all around the young adult age; half and half men and women, obviously.

“Wait, one more question,” said a different spirit. “What’s a trivia challenge?” the other spirits murmured in agreement.

“You can google that. I don’t feel like explaining. If you don’t know something google it. Or Wikipedia. Actually, Wikipedia is good for definitions, Google is for examples and sites, and YouTube is for videos and stuff.”

“What about TV Tropes?” another different spirit asked.

“That is for ruining your life.”

“Wait!” said a fifth spirit. “How do we type? We’re just spheres, remember?”

“Oh yeah, good question. You’ll find you have minor psychic sort-of powers that do a bunch of things. It’s how you can talk and also how you can see without ears and hear without eyes. I mean- you know what I mean.”

“Wait I have a question too!” said the sixth spirit. They appeared to have learned to talk in turns.

I sighed. “Alright, you each get one question, except for those of you who have already asked one.”

“What about that one guy?” said spirit number 6. “He had like five questions.”

“Too bad.” I said. “That was before I made the rule. Also, that was your question.”

“Anyway,” said 6. “Mine is what are our names. I mean, I don’t want to just be Spirit #6.”

“I guess you guys can just come up with your own names,” I said

“Read, he can’t be bothered to think of them all,” said Toaster-Man.

The rest of the spirits asked their questions, and it would be tedious to relate them all here. Many of the answers were ‘you can google that’, however.

“Alright, everyone has had a question,” I said. “On that note, I am leaving. All further questions may be directed at Toaster-Man.”

The spirits started to swarm TM and bombard him with another chaotic clump of questions.

“Hehehehe, good luck Toaster-Man.” I poofed out of existence.

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