After the excitement died down, and everyone became tired, they slept on the third floor, which was of course now defined as a hotel. Although the interior architecture of it was somewhat labyrinthine and unconventional. Hallways winded, rooms connected to other rooms, also as each 'floor' in the tower had the height of two or three stories the hotel at times also took up two or three stories. The interior of it was quite dreamlike, but, it seemed, completely self-consistent once defined. Apparently it was difficult to define an entire hotel in your mind at one moment, so it got increasingly abstract the further one went from the lobby (especially since Michael had not been consciously controlling it when he created it). But everybody found a room and slept for the first time in their existence.
Day
two came. And with it, the need to define a calendar, as they didn't
have one at the moment. I suppose I could make it, but I don't want
to impose one on the Danadians; I'll let them make one themselves
when they get to it.
People
ate breakfast from the food on the conveniently-created convenience
store on the fifth floor, although it was not very convenient walking
up all those stairs. Not to mention they had to walk past all of the
creepy mannequins.
Noon
came soon, and with it the long-awated political debate. Hey, that's
also the title of this chapter! It's almost as if I planned it that
way or something. The candidates sat on the stage, with microphones
in front of each of them. Jeffery, Nathan, Zandria, and Toaster-Man,
in case you didn't remember all of them. They were seated in that
order, starting from house left, although it didn't really matter.
When they all seemed to be ready, and had their papers and notes in
order, Pudding floated up to the stage, his psychic voice also
amplified by one of the inexplicably-telepathy-amplifying
microphones.
<The
debate for the Danadian Year Zero election commences,> Pudding
said. <As you know, I've collected debate questions from all of
you written on these pieces of paper I obtained from the 5th
floor convenience store. I say as you know because I figure Dan
probably didn't write that part, so the readers actually don't.>
That
exposition was helpful of him. Definitely saves me a lot of writing.
<These
questions are in no perticular order, as I've been shuffling the
papers around using my telekinesis. We will vary the order of the
responses according to an algorithm I created so that nobody has any
advantage from answering first or last. There will be exactly sixteen
questions because that's the number of permutations of four people
and it will make everything work out nicely. The questions are
anonymously-submitted and I have not read any of them; not even I
know who asked what. I have rolled a four-sided die and determined
that Jeffery will be the first to respond. Anyway; question the
first: How will you provide a long-term source of food for the future
of Danada?>
Jeffery
responded, “We will start collectively-run farms in the land around
the Tower of Pizza, and grow food for the long-term on these farms.
No one has to be a farmer full-time unless they want to; we could
each take shifts to grow the crops, and of course we will all reap
the benefits.”
<Nathan,
your response.>
“We
don't need to go through all that trouble,” Nathan said. “It was
clearly demonstrated that we can create food using the undefined
floors, as we have all eaten it for breakfast. We have literally
dozens of floors, we can make enough food to last years, if not
decades. The long-term food is already taken care of, as long as we
leave enough floors undefined.”
<Zandria.>
“We
don't even need to use that many quantum floors for food,” Zandria
said. “We can do one for seeds, then instead of a farm we can plant
low-maintenance groves of fruit trees. Anyone can pick one of these
fruits when they're hungry. It's the best of both worlds; not much
work, and still planning for the long-term.”
<Finally,
Toaster-Man.>
“As
I mentioned in my campaigning,” Toaster-Man said. “Floors two
through three dozen will be dedicated to the Ministry of Toast, which
will provide unlimited toast to everyone using my perpetual toastion
machine. This will allow everyone to eat toast... forever!
MUAHAHAHAHA! ...Wait that's not evil. Sorry, I got a bit carried
away.”
<Right,>
said Pudding. <Anyway that happens to lead nicely into question
the second. What is your plan for the undefined floors of The Leaning
Tower of Pizza.>
“DN
Tower,” I said.
<What?>
said Pudding, and a bunch of other people simultaneously.
“I've
decided to rename it the DN Tower. Leaning Tower of Pizza is too
corny, Danada isn't all about pizza like it was last time. Plus The
Leaning Tower of Pizza takes forever to type.”
“Why
not TLTOP then,” said Nathan
“DN Tower!” I said. “Don't make me use my Old-Testament 72-point font God voice.”
<Fine,> said Pudding. <You realize you've completely ruined the pacing of this chapter though. Anyway, what will you do with the undefined floors of the recently-renamed DN Tower? Nathan.>
Nathan got out a piece of paper, clearly he had prepared for this question. “I would give everybody one floor to define however they choose. My fellow candidate Zandria has informed me that according to the buttons on the elevator there are ten dozen, or one hundred twenty floors. So we have six already defined, including Zandria's tropical floor. Because she created it with everyone in mind, it will not count as her floor, and neither will the ones already defined by Silverfish. So, two dozen more for the individual floors-”
<Two-dozen two,> said Pudding.
“Right two-dozen two,” said Nathan. “I apologize...” He was embarassed, as he had clearly forgotten that Toaster-Man and Pudding were not part of the two-dozen Danadians created as spirits. He scribbled on his paper adjusting his plan quickly. “Two 'zen two for individual floors, plus six defined. Two-dozen- no, one-dozen ten I'm zoning municipal, for government services and things that we will further define later, like schools, hospitals, electricity, internet, fire department, that sort of thing. A further three dozen I'm defining as residential, that is, personal floors for future generations. Because we can't forget about the next generation; they deserve a floor as well. Of course these will eventually run out, but, I mean, we only have so many floors. Two dozen floors will be zoned as commercial/industrial. That is, if we need things, we will use these floors to create them. Preferably, creating things such as machinery that can create more things, hense the term industrial. This leaves, if I've done my math right, six floors as completely undefined; these will be saved in case of emergency.”
<Zandria, you're next.> Said Pudding.
“My plan, in contrast, is relatively simple,” Zandria said. “Ten dozen floors. We each get four of them. Like in Nathan's plan we can do whatever we want with them. This leaves ten undefined floors, plus the six defined ones that will be communal, we can decide collectively what to do will do with the quantum ones. Or alternatively we could each take three floors and have another two-zen two for community, if we want more community.”
<Toaster-Man>
“Aside from the thirteen floors used for the Ministry of Toast, the rest of Toast Tower (The DN Tower shall be re-renamed Toast Tower when I am president). The rest of Toast Tower will be taken up by various other Ministries, including the Ministry of Genetic Engineering, the Ministry of Psyonics Experimentation (Pudding you can be the head of that), the Ministry of Quantum Flux, the Ministry of Time, the Ministry of Utopia, the Ministry of Creating More Ministries, and of course, The Ministry of Peace and Foreign Affairs.”
<Finally, Jeffery.>
“I believe we should leave as many floors undefined as we can. As I have said, quantum floors are our most precious non-renewable resource, and we must preserve them as much as possible. I agree with my esteemed college Nathan that there should be municipal and commercial/industrial floors, however we have a place to sleep and live in the third floor hotel already. That is more than enough space. In addition, each story currently in a state of flux should be put to a vote that requires at least a 2/3rds majority of all Danadians to define. For example, we can use one for seeds and farm equiptment; that would be my first proposal as Prime minister, but anyone can submit a proposal for something to do with a floor. That is my plan for the tower, and I believe it's the most rational thing to do.”
<Alright,> said Pudding. <And with that it's time for question the third. What will you do with the floors in quantum flux- wait no we've already done that question, let's go to the next card. Hmm, it's also the same- quantum floors, undefined floors...> he shuffled through the cards. <Wow that was a popular question. Let's just get rid of those cards, and we can go back to it, sum up your policy of Tower floors at the end of the debate. Alright here's a question not about the floors. What is your policy on music, copyright law, and government funding for the arts? Zandria>
“Music is the food of love, so play on!” said Zandria. “Music shall be free to all. Copyright is fascist and will not exist. The government will support the Danadian musicians.”
<Toaster-Man.>
<Silverfish, and any other Danadian musicians can work in the Ministry of Music, where they shall compose and perform glorious anthems and propaganda for the eternal Toaster-Man regime!>
<Jeffery.>
“Well, I mean, you guys can keep making music and being a band. The artists can figure out what they want to do about copyright I really don't know much about it. But I think you'll have to get a day job, at least in the start, to be honest, to help contribute more to the growth of our fledgeling nation.”
<Ooh, and Jeffery may have just lost the coveted Silverfish vote,> commented Pudding. <Nathan.>
“My government will create the Danadian arts fund for support of local artists, as well as DBC radio on one of the municipally-zoned floors to broadcast Danadian music.”
“You just made that up off the top of your head,” said Jeffery.
“Your point being?” said Nathan.
<Next question, ooh this is a good one. What would you do to appease the Psychic Air-Breathing Fish minority? Toaster-Man.>
“Well, Pudding, as I said you would be in charge of the Ministry of Psychic Experimentation, where we would research your psychic abilities in order to ultimately replicate them in a secret Psychic Police force in order to better... regulate... the thoughts of Danadians to ensure a more harmonious society!”
<That's... good, but this question was about the Psychic Air-Breathing Fish population in general. And need I remind you these questions are anonymous. Jefferey.>
“Well, Pudding, you would be treated just like any other in society, you don't need to worry about being a minority. And you know you're the only one, right? Nobody else could possibly have asked that question.”
<Perhaps someone was concerned about me and submitted the question.> Pudding said. <Nathan.>
“We would create a special committee to recognize the special needs and unique capabilities of the Psychic Air-Breathing Fish population of Danada. In addition, we would welcome the immigration of more such fish to our great land, after all, Danada is a land of equality and freedom!”
there were nods throughout the crowd.
“Can I copy Nathan's answer?” asked Zandria.
<I don't see why not,> said Pudding.
“Ok, I copy Nathan's answer.”
Again there were nods throughout the crowd.
<Next question: how do you deal with the existential angst that comes from the knowledge that we are are merely a characters in a novel?>
“I... take it one day at a time?” said Jeffery.
“I believe we should try to take advantage of this fact,” said Nathan. “Try to find the limits of the medium. We can break the fourth wall, but are we breaking it hard enough?”
“As the only one who can actually experience chapter titles and narration,” said Toaster-Man. “My position on this is unique, which is one way I am uniquely qualified to be Prime Minister.”
I was getting kind of annoyed at this gimmick of Toaster-Man's, and was starting to wish I had not given him this ability.
“For example, currently Dan wishes he hadn't given me this ability, and is annoyed by it. I'm sure we can use that to our advantage... somehow.”
“I agree with Nathan,” Zandria said. “But I don't believe he goes far enough. We need to somehow break out of our novel-character shakles, and find a way, if possible, to get out into the real world! We must break free of our paper prision! This is the only way to deal with the existential angst.”
<Oooh, theology.> said Pudding. <On the controversial issue of chuch and state. The question is, what is your opinion on Dan?>
Nathan replied first. “I believe we should ask not what we can do for Dan. We must ask the question, what can Dan do for us!”
Well, theoretically anything, but then it wouldn't be much of a story.
“I'm conflicted about Dan,” said Zandria. “I mean, on the one hand he did create us, he gave us free will and freedom. But on the other hand, he is keeping us in this paper prison!”
“Look, I can do a lot of things,” I said. “But I can't make you exist in the real world. That would be ridiculous! It's just not possible!”
But Zandria knew an opportunity for political gain when she saw one, and started chanting. “Free us from the paper prison! Free us from the paper prison!” the chant caught on with some of the audience, and gained a life of its own.
“STOP!” I said. They stopped. “Look, I may be a god when I'm the author of my own story, but not in my world, ergo, I can't make you exist in the real world. But you're hardly in a prison. I gave you a whole world to explore. It's not my fault you've barely left this tower.”
“Well the tower is the most interesting part,” said Megan.
“Fair enough,” I said. “Anyway, just get back to the debate, I'm sorry I interrupted. I'm ignoring you guys now.”
<Alright,
Jeffery's turn.>
“Well, umm, I respect you Dan,” said Jeffery. “I'd worship you if you wanted that, but you don't, so. I suppose we could start some sort of temple or church where we discussed philosophical and theological matters such as those that pertained to the last two questions, but it wouldn't be connected to the state.”
“Nah,” said Toaster-Man. “Zandria and Nathan had the right idea. We can get Dan to do what we want if we bug him enough. Earlier in this chapter he said he could give us anything, but wouldn't because it wouldn't be a good story. But we can still get him to talk to us if we annoy him. DAN! … DAAAAN!... DAAAAANNNNN!” Toaster-Man kept shouting my name but I ignored him.
“DAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”
“He said he was ignoring us,” said Jeffery.
"Yeah, but he still has to write the story. DANDANDANDANDANDANDANDANDAN!”
“WHAT?” I asked.
“It's probably not a good idea to anger a god,” said Jeffery.
“Like I said,” said Toaster-Man. “You can clearly get Dan to do things he didn't want to do if you know the right strategy. As I just proved. He didn't want to interfere anymore this chapter. Yet he just yelled what.”
“You're getting dangerously genre-savvy, Toaster-Man,” I said. “But go on, at least this is getting interesting.”
“And that's all I want to do,” said Toaster-Man, “Is make your story interesting. And I know you, and I know you can't resist interfering if it would indeed add interest to the story. So here's what I propose. Dan, you let the winner of this election change or add one law of physics of the universe.”
Everyone gasped.
“Alright I'll admit that's pretty interesting,” but I'm going to add a corollary. “What law you would propose will be the next question of the debate, and I'm allowed to veto ones that would make the world less interesting. Also you can't use legalese or anything like that to determine exactly what the law would be. I define the details; you just give the general concept.”
<Well, I don't think we can argue with that,> said Pudding. <So, the next question, asked by Dan, is, if you could change a law of the universe, which would it be? Zandria you're first.>
“I think we should be able to create life, including sentient life, on the undefined floors.”
“That's pretty specific, but I'll allow it,” I said. “I'll admit I was debating whether you should be able to earlier but I decided not made more sense. According to Pudding's algorithm it's Toaster-Man's turn next. This should be interesting.”
“I... don't know, I didn't think that far ahead.”
“You don't know??” I asked. “This entire thing was your idea!”
“Yeah, but I was kind of thinking on my feet. It was basically all to prove the point that I was capable of manipulating you. I guess I would give everyone the same fourth-wall breaking powers I have. You've all seen how subtly useful it is now.”
<Nathan.>
“One word. Magic. Dan, like you said you can work out the details. This is a fantasy story isn't it? Let's make it more like one.”
<And Jeffery.>
“Alright, I think, in a similar vein. We should be able to change our bodies. I know we already chose them but I also know some of us weren't satisfied with the selection. And in a similar vain to the fantasy idea, we should be able to be elves or dwarves or hobbitses or angels or merpeople or whatever, not just humans.”
“Okay, the rules for this one would be you have to choose a humanoid form, not too powerful; and advantages must be balanced out by drawbacks. But you would be able to choose your form and I wouldn't pull any literal genie shit; you'd get what you want,” I said.
The debate went on for eight more questions, but everyone was preoccupied with the tower issue, and now, perhaps more importantly, the new-law-of-the-universe issue. Finally Pudding came to the final question.
<Alright, now the final question,> said Pudding. <Summerize your position on the tower issue again, as well as, I suppose the new issue of the new universal law of Danada. And to make it a three-part question, because three is a good number of parts to a multi-part question, why should we vote for you? Toaster-Man.>
“Ministries mean a strong central government, order and peace in Danada, ruled with an iron toaster. Everyone will be able to hear the voice of Dan as I do, in order to better rebel against our creator! A vote for Toaster-Man is a vote for a toastier tomorrow!”
<Nathan.>
“I will bring a true Democracy to Danada. I will govern with transparency and follow the will of the people, with a balance of freedom and community- everybody gets their own floor, and as a bonus, magic! Vote Nathan. What could be awesomer than that?”
<Zandria.>
“I promise more freedom than any of the other candidates. I remain dedicated to my original vision of a harmonious anarchy. With me, there will be a minimum of laws- only those strictly necessary to ensure peace and freedom. And with my new law of the universe, you can use one or more of your personal floors to create new friends, or even lovers! Vote for Zandria!”
“Vote for Jeffery. I will do what is best for the future of Danada, to help everyone live a more prosperous tomorrow. We may have to sacrifice some short-term luxuries, but the future will be one of unimaginable wonders, and that is my promise to you. The floors will be assigned on a logical basis according to need, and your new bodies as fantastic races will allow you to be whoever you want to be.
<Thank you,> said Pudding. <Alright, this concludes the debate portion of the debate. <Now Silverfish will come to the stage to sing paid campaign advertizements.>
“Actually,” said Tessa as she came onstage along with the rest of her band. “It's just the one, only Toaster-Man commissioned a song from us. And technically he hasn't paid yet. We really should have asked for more than a pizza, but that was before we knew we could just create things on an undefined floor. In any case... PRESENTING! THE UNBEATABLE-”
“You can't beat them!” said Mackenzie
“THE INVINCABLE!”
“You can't vince them!”
“SILVERFISH!!! Quick disclaimer: Silverfish did not write the words or melody to this song. The words were written by Toaster-Man, and the melody was written by whoever wrote the theme song to Spider-Man, as this is a blatant parody.”
(I'm not going to bother notating the music to the Spider-Man theme song.)
“Toaster-Man! Toaster-Man
Does
whatever a toaster can
He
can toast bread to any darkness
And
when he's dead they'll toast his carcass
Look
out! There goes the Toaster-Man!
He will rule Danada with an iron toaster
Of
all the candidates, he's the one who has the most-er!
(this
meter is atrocious. Remember we didn't write it.)
Toaster-Man! Toaster-Man!
Does
whatever a toaster can
Is
he strong? Yes he is.
He
was bitten by a radioactive toaster.
Look
out! There goes the Toaster-Man
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